Invisible

I wish I could make myself invisible.

Not all the time. Not even for long.

Just on those days when the unbridled, sin-riddled old Adam is escaping out of my mouth, mind and soul through destructive, negative, feel-sorry-for-me, angry words, thoughts and actions. Rolling eyes and slamming doors. Gritting teeth and profanity tumbling out. Resentment building up like plaque on unbrushed teeth.

It feels dirty, ugly.

Today I want to be invisible.

Today I feel entangled in myself like knotted hair that doesn’t want to brush out. Like the second drawer in the kitchen that’s full of mismatched utensils and devoid of order. I can’t make sense of it all. I can’t make sense of me. Just a whole lot of noise as I rummage around, not even sure what I’m looking for.

I want out. Out of my skin. Out of my head. Away from the person I don’t want to be but the person I can’t help being.

But I am bound.

Bound by my expectations of who God has made me. A wife. A mother. A daughter. A friend.

These incredible gifts. They seem too heavy. Too much responsibility. Too much giving of myself. Too demanding.

Connections I can’t sever. Knots I can’t untie.

I am ungrateful today.

So ungrateful.

I come to the end of myself as I throw scattered toys into the box, desperately murmuring for God to make me invisible.

Nothing happens.

I didn’t expect anything to.

But as the day wears on I hear myself say compassionate words. Understanding words. Kind words. 

My heart softens. Opens. Clears.

And then I see it.

It’s not me speaking at all.

God HAS made me invisible.

He has drowned me.

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